A Tale of Two Abused Characters
by Two Little Fleas
Summary: A series of somewhat amusing tales featuring SessKagome thrown into strange and odd situations by Parsnip and Pseudomonas. [Snow White] With Jealous boyfriends and shampoo gone missing, the Inu cast finds themselves in a fairtytale with no easy way out.
1. Chapter 1

**Rating: ** R**  
Warnings: **While this IS a Sess/Kag story (at this moment in time), there are allusions to Kag/Nar, Kag/Mir, and Kag/Inu. Also, the fanon sterotype has been excessively poked.  
**Disclaimer:** This story is based off the works of Rumiko Takahashi and is merely for enjoyment's sake.  
**Summary: ** Kagome has a little secret she's been keeping from everyone. She's a voyeur, and she's not afraid to go searching for what she wants...

**Midnight Foray  
**

Frustrated, Kagome pushed another branch out of her way, letting it snap back into place behind her. She was going to scream if she acquired one more scratch! She really was. She'd been wandering the woods for a little over an hour now, hoping to catch a glimpse of the great Sesshoumaru-sama. She'd been curious about the demon lord ever since she saw him overpower Toukijin's evil aura.

It was then that she realized she was an adrenaline junkie, a person who got horny at the thought of danger. In the end, she had to be honest with herself because who could be more dangerous then the demon lord? Not only that, there was the extra sweet rush of fear that at any moment Inuyasha would discover her little secret. She wasn't really proud about her newfound sensuality, but she just couldn't help herself. She had to see him, and now that they were in the west, catching sight of him seemed even more likely then ever before!

Gritting her teeth, she shoved another branch out of the way having already walked into it once. She really needed to stop thinking about him. It wasn't helping her complexion much.

Rounding the corner of a huge boulder, she stumbled into a clearing and sank to her knees thankfully. She had been about to scream with irritation! Drinking in the fresh air and the stars above her, she nearly missed the sudden shift of movement beside her.

Head snapping to her left, she held her breath. There, lying not more then five feet away from her, was Sesshoumaru. A smile crept over her lips. He looked really cute sleeping curled up in his mokomoko-sama. If the pelt had a head and four paws, she'd swear it was a teddy bear! So kawaii!

Stealthily, she crept nearer, cringing whenever a twig snapped or a cricket chirped just a little too loudly. Sinking to her knees next to the great demon lord, she slowly expelled her held breath. So far, so good.

Eyes caressing his every feature, she felt another rush of adrenaline flow through her, causing her body to ache in anticipation of being caught red-handed. She just couldn't help what she felt!

Eyes drawn lower, she wondered what the silk of his haori would feel like against her finger tips, the rough bindings covering the hilt of his swords clasped in her hands as she removed them. Her thoughts paused as her eyes hovered over a certain patch of skin covered by the crisscrossing pattern of his obi. She wondered…

Head swiveling from side to side, she checked for unknown peeping toms before eagerly turning back to the sleeping taiyoukai. Slowly stretching her hand out, she caressed the silk, calluses catching slightly on the fabric. Running her fingertip along the edge, she grasped the complicated knot and began the arduous task of tugging and straining to unravel it.

Eyes straying to the still relaxed visage of her demon lord snuggled nose first into his pelt, she grew bolder at her tugging, at last securing his freedom. Brushing aside the binding fabric, she lifted and tucked and gently pulled against the remaining material hiding her prize from view. She would be victorious this eve!

Nearly giddy from the flood of feelings rushing through her, she paused at the final piece of fabric, a loin cloth soft from many washings. Hands shaking in anticipation, she imagined the length of it, the hardness of it pressed against her thigh, and sighed. When had she become so obsessed with combining sex, danger, and Sesshoumaru?

She blushed nervously. She really needed to seek professional help and soon. But, in the meantime, she'd just have a peek, a tiny, insignificant little peek. A wild gleam shone brightly in her eye as her hand steadily reached out and lifted the flap of the sun-bleached cloth from his hips. Saliva pooling in her mouth, she licked her lips hungrily. Her eyes slowly drifted downwards, closer to the object of her desire these many months past.

She gasped. She couldn't help it! It…It…It was TINY!

She nearly fainted at the horrible feeling of disappointment. All her imaginings, all her fantasies were thrown off a cliff, dispersed as ashes in the wind to never be flesh and bone and again. They were gone. Tears trickling into her eyes, she let the soft skin fall back into place as she struggled to her feet. She needed to get away fast before the sobs broke from her body. There was no way she wanted Sesshoumaru to catch her now! As she turned, she felt a warm hand grab her forearm.

"Where do you think you're going?" a deep, rich voice murmured behind her.

She gulped before slowly turning her body, forced to do so with the gentle pressure of the hand against her arm. There he was reclining on the ground with his nether regions bare to her view with the object of her dissatisfaction erect and happy and rather pathetic looking.

"I just wanted a peek," she whispered, the mood completely gone. Not even the sight of his cruel smile was enough to lift her crushed spirits.

"And do you like what you see?" he murmured, pulling her body closer to his.

Kagome frantically wondered what she should say. On the one hand, honesty was a virtue and should be cherished. On the other, she wanted to live to at least see if Miroku or Inuyasha were less of a disappointment. Maybe she'd try Naraku… There had to be some merit to having all those tentacles!

_'Ew,' _ she thought, mentally cringing at that last image. She wished she hadn't gone there. Now there was no way she'd be able to face Naraku in a fight. She'd be to busy wondering just how agile he was in the sack, not to mention it was a rather perverted and disgusting image in and of itself. She may have even surpassed Miroku in perverseness.

Sesshoumaru growled softly, knowing the reason for her discontent. Roughly pulling her across his body, he flipped her over to lie beneath him. "It's not the size that counts, but how you use it, miko," he gritted before roughly attacking her neck with his lips.

Kagome panted underneath him, trying to contain her growls of discontent. The boy was slobbering all over her! Granted, his hands were roughly kneading her breasts and his pelt was heavenly to lie upon, but, the man seriously needed to do a little nipping or something to get rid of the drool!

She closed her eyes and waited for the next phase of this disappointing lesson. She could only take so much after all before she broke down in tears. Scratch that, she would.

Tears leaked from her eyes as Sesshoumaru's hands tore her blouse away from her skin, baring her breasts to his gaze. His nose twitched at the unpleasant smell. He brought his face to lie even with hers before licking the tears off her cheek. He nuzzled her ear before whispering, "I thought you liked a little danger. I could smell your arousal from the moment you started undressing me."

Kagome gasped, her eyes opening to glare into his laughing face. "Why I never! You should have stopped me!"

Sesshoumaru laughed, startling her even more. "I was waiting to see what you had in mind."

"Fine, now you know. Now let me up!" Kagome began to struggle underneath him, fighting to wiggle her fine looking ass to freedom.

Sesshoumaru plopped down on top of her, trapping her with the weight of his body. "No, I don't think so," he murmured before attacking her mouth in a fiery kiss. Tongues, lips, teeth were all utilized in a fight of primal passion, searching for dominance. To Kagome's delight, this was one area the taiyoukai proved a master in. Granted, she had only been kissed once by Inuyasha and a handful of times by Houjou, but this, this was heaven.

Sinking into the kiss, she failed to realize that his weight had shifted, allowing him to rip off the rest of her clothing. Grinning against her mouth, his hand reached lower to fondle her nether regions, making her gasp and stare wide-eyed at Sesshoumaru. Melting into his touch, she bucked against his hand, imploring for more. His mouth continued to assault her own, as his finger slipped into her body, stretching her, teasing her, making her thirst for more.

Breaking the kiss, she moaned, skin flushed with desire. Perhaps her first time wasn't going to be too bad after all. Moaning again at the feel of his lips against her breast, she began to chant. "More Sesshoumaru, show me more." Over and over again, she kept murmuring her desire, making his hand speed up and his kisses on the flushed skin of her neck, breasts, lips to become rougher, more frantic. Crescendo building, she bucked wildly against him, crying out her frustration.

Grinning, he licked his way up her body, "Are you ready for more?" he grunted.

"Yes!" she cried, rubbing her hips against the tiny pebble of his erection pressed against her.

Swiftly, he plunged into her body, grunting once again in satisfaction. Two minutes later, he passed out on top of her, spent. Kagome groaned and pushed his sleeping body off of herself. Unsteadily, she got to her feet and began gathering up her slightly more then shredded clothing and glared at the goofily smiling Sesshoumaru. Dressing quickly in the tattered clothing, she stuck her tongue out childishly at the demon before flouncing back to camp.

The rough foreplay had been interesting, and well worth the time, but the actual sex? So very, very disappointing. He hadn't even been able to bring her to completion, and she had been so close to fulfillment! Turning her mind away from the let-down behind her, she turned her thoughts back to Naraku. There may be more merit there then originally thought…

**Written by Parsnip or Flea #1 **

**Next up, Flea #2 (Pseudomonas) **


	2. Chapter 2

What if one day the whole Inuyasha cast is being forced to film a fairy tale?

"Snow White & the Seven Dwarves" belongs to the Grimm Brothers (even though they are dead).

Inuyasha et al belongs to Takahashi Rumiko (even though she is nowhere near dead).

Any commercial products that you see here do not belong to me, of course. ;p

Note: This studio/stage is currently set in my bedroom, which is somewhere near the Equator with wonky air-conditioning...

* * *

"Recently, there was-"

"CUT"

Everyone turned around and stared at Naraku, who was pushing his sunglasses up his oily nose, "It's 'A long, long time ago', not 'Recently'! Kaede, could you please read your script carefully! Please wear your glasses and don't tell me you don't need them!"

Kaede flinched a little and adjusted the eye-patch, "I've only got one good eye... it's a waste to wear glasses..."

"READY!" His voice boomed as never before, inwardly cursing Pseudomonas for giving him the worst job: Director.

"A long, long time ago, there was this Princess by the name of Higurashi-"

"CUT!"

The script-book landed on the ground before Kaede with a loud thud. The frightened old lady gathered her wits and tried to smile, "Hai hai! I'll wear my glasses now."

Naraku sent another evil glare to the narrator and rubbed his oily, oily forehead, "If not I'll suffocate you with my miasma!"

Kaede gulped and nodded her head. "A long, long time ago, there was this Princess by the name of Snow White. She was a ravishing, exceptional beauty with skin so fair that it shone under the sun and moon, thus the name 'Snow White'. She had lips as red as blood and hair as black as the midnight skies."

Fog from solid carbon dioxide was fanned out to the stage and Kagome tried to chase imaginary butterflies around in a dark blue dress with too much white lace; it was entirely too long for her. A deep, red hair band was strapped onto her head with many hairpins underneath because her head was too small for it. One twirl, two twirls and-

"AHHH!"

"Baka!" Naraku's red eyes shone like rubies as he glared through the induced fog; Kagome was lying in a heap and one of her heels was broken.

"Child! Are you alright?" Kaede chucked her script-book in Naraku's general direction and dashed forward to help Kagome up. Inuyasha deserted his camera-man position and growled at Naraku. The Director rubbed his right ear gingerly and shouted, "What the fuck were you doing!"

Kagome wished that she had her bow and arrows with her, instead of being stuck inside this uncomfortable costume with a corset and 3-inch high heels because she was too short. She opened her mouth, with all intentions to scold Naraku but thought otherwise. Afterall, she was being paid well by Pseudomonas and 'Snow White' was a leading role, which meant that all attention would be on her, not Kikyou. "I'll try again," Kagome gritted her teeth and imagined her hamaya flying straight for Naraku's heart.

* * *

"Snow White's evil stepmother was very jealous of Snow White's beauty, for she sought to be the prettiest woman in her kingdom."

Kikyou looked into the small round mirror that was hanging in the air on its own wistfully, "Mirror mirror on the wall. Who is fairest of us all?"

Kanna popped her face out from her mirror, her face and eyes expressionless, "Snow White..." Kikyou's black eyes widened as never before, and she stared at Kanna, "How can that be! I will always be No. 1 in Inuyasha's heart!"

Naraku yelled, "CUT! Kikyou, stick to your LINES!"

The undead miko balled her fists and hissed, "Aa aa!"

"Mirror mirror on the wall. Who is fairest of us all?" Kikyou repeated, feeling a little defeated and helpless. _I'll get you Pseudomonas!_ Kanna replied as usual, "Snow White..."

"How can that be!" Kikyou feigned shock and narrowed her eyes; perhaps she would purify Kanna later too, along with that damned author. "I must kill her! I must drag her down to Hell with me! I'm better than her!"

"CUT!" Naraku sighed inwardly to himself; it would seem to him that they would take a longer time in filming this cursed fairytale than in hunting him down. He at least had fun in hiding away from them, whereas this was pure torture.

"Kikyou! Don't make me kill you with my bare hands!" The wound on Kikyou's shoulder re-opened a little at his anger, and she winced.

"Ah ah!" The undead miko pinned a venomous glare at the Director and added him to her purifying list, along with everyone else other than Inuyasha.

* * *

"Thus, the evil stepmother sought out ways to kill Snow White, in order to be the prettiest lady."

The solid carbon dioxide was quickly transported away by Naraku's lesser youkai, and Kikyou, all dressed in a black, flowing gown walked out to the stage gracefully.

"My Queen," Kouga knelt down on knee and fought hard not to laugh; both from Kikyou's pissed-off expression and from the tickling sensation that he had to hide his tail by tucking it in between his legs.

Kikyou sent a disdainful look at the wolf and dropped a bag of gold onto his head. "I want you to bring Snow White into the deepest part of the forest and kill her."

Kouga snorted lightly but continued with his acting; Pseudomonas had promised him that he would be able to hug Kagome once this film was completed. "My Queen!"

"Bring her heart, er, feet to me once the task is accomplished," Kikyou turned around and made sure that her gown slapped Kouga's face. The wolf grimaced at her graveyard-scent and bowed his head, "As you wish, bitch, er, Queen!" Kouga picked up the bag of gold and whistled happily to himself, inwardly smirking at the private moments he could have with Kagome. Naraku instantly wrapped his tentacles around Kouga's neck from his Director's seat and shouted, "You fuckwit! You are not supposed to whistle!"

Inuyasha grinned and folded his arms while Sesshoumaru continued to sleep with his legs propped on Jaken's head.

* * *

Kouga thought that he would die from happiness as he guided his, er, steed forward into the stage. Kagome shifted uncomfortable on Ah-Un, and wondered why the audience would be okay with a two-headed 'horse'. Not to mention that it smelled too nice too, since she suspected that Rin had used up her entire bottle of Clairol's Herbal Essence shampoo on the beast. Kagome lamented inwardly at that wasted bottle of floral-scented shampoo and decided to switch to Pantene for her glorious, luxurious looking hair. A girl has to take care of her tresses, no matter what that idiotic Yura had said about her hair.

"Kagome, my woman!"

Ah snorted, Un grunted, while Kagome sent a hidden kick to Kouga's neck beneath her long gown and whispered, "Snow White! And I'm not your woman!"

Kouga winced at the pain and nodded his head; he never knew that Kagome had such strong kicks and the forbidden image of her too-long legs wrapped around his waist came to his mind. "My Snow White!"

Inuyasha leapt out with his face and doggy-ears all red as he took out Tessaiga and aimed it at the wolf, "Kaze no Kizu!"

"NO!" Kagome yelled while Ah-Un flew _up_, away from that disastrous attack.

Everyone cried, because the smoke and dust got into their eyes, and Naraku's mouth twitched as he took a good look at the stage that they had so carefully and painstakingly set up. Half of the roof collapsed, from Ah-Un's frantic escapade, and the left portion of the wooden stage was utterly decimated from Inuyasha's mindless attack. He could hear Kagome's cries from afar and suspected that he would need Kagura to bring her back. If only he had the Shikon no Tama in his hands, he would make sure that both the wolf and the inu-hanyou would die a death more terrible than they could ever imagine in their entire lives.

Naraku pulled both Kouga and Inuyasha apart with his tentacles and bellowed, "Repeat this and I'll suffocate you with my miasma retards!"

"Houjou!"

The lanky boy hurried out, with a baseball cap set over his head and a cheerful smile on his face. Naraku glared at him over his sunglasses, "What the fuck are you doing with that carton of vitamin D drinks! Set up the bloody stage within an hour!"

In the toilet behind the stage, Sesshoumaru locked himself in and started to wash his hair and scrub his scalp vigorously with Kagome's bottle of Clairol Herbal Essence shampoo.

* * *

"My Princess!" Kouga tried to look at Kagome with both eyes, even though his right one was now bruised.

Kagome smoothed out her messy hair and smiled as sweetly as possible even though she was seething inside, "Yes?" Kouga knelt down on both knees and let go of Ah-Un's leash, "The Queen has asked me to kill you."

She stifled a gasp and clasped her hand to her heart, "Oh why would Mother do that?" He looked up, eyes tearing from the pain that Inuyasha had previously kicked in his groin, "Because you are prettier than the Queen! But I do not have the heart to kill you at all my Snow, er, Princess!"

Kagome squeezed her eyes and wished that the Eye-Mo Kaede had dripped into her eyes would work, "Oh no! What should I do now?"

Kouga felt his heart tighten a little at her crystalline-like tears, even though he knew that they were fake. But still, it was Kagome sitting and looking dainty on Ah-Un, and she was so beautiful to him. He looked lovingly at Kagome for a while and said seriously, "You need not to worry Snow White. I will protect you because you are my woman!"

In which the yells of the Inuyasha, Kagome, Kaede and Houjou could be heard, again.

"You son of a bastard!"

"OSUWARI!"

"Inuyasha no!"

"Higurashi!"

Naraku closed his eyes and shouted, "Pseudomonas! I'll get you for this!"

Sesshoumaru rinsed the floral-scented shampoo off and flicked his pretty, pretty, silver hair up and around, flicking droplets of cold water across the tiled walls of the toilet. "AAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Clairol's Herbal Essence!"

* * *

Kagome adjusted the hair band on her head and cursed Pseudomonas for making her wear that. She could feel the hairpins sticking into her ears and scalp and they itched to no end. She smacked her lips, hoping that the blood-red lipstick she borrowed from Jakotsu wouldn't smudge. _Did he say it was Estee Lauder? Or Stila? Maybe Shiseido? _Kagome mused to herself and walked around the stage in circles, pretending to pick up the strewn flowers that Rin had stolen from the neighbor's garden with the help of Houjou.

She lifted her right hand up, and tried to raise her left leg up, "Is it a hut that I see over there?"

Kaede continued instantly, "And thus, Snow White found a mysterious hut that was no taller than herself. She was tired from all the traveling in the forest and the bag of food that Kou, er, the hunter had given her was running out. Snow White had to bend to get into the hut."

Kagome frowned; the wooden hut was indeed low and the insides were shabbily painted. She mentally noted to herself that she would have to remind Houjou to do a better job and not spend his time thinking of what kind of herbs and vitamins would strengthen her health.

"Yikes!" Kagome gave a half-hearted yelp and smashed her head against the creaking roof when Rin poked her head out from the cardboard bed that Houjou had spent the last night painting. They were not supposed to appear until she was asleep! But Rin was too excited to act, and she had waited very, very long for this scene.

"Kago-"

There was a light, but discernible cough from Sesshoumaru.

"Snow White!" Rin smiled happily at Kagome and the miko returned the smile.

"You are..." Kagome rubbed the bump that was now growing on her head.

Rin dragged Jaken out from the beds, while Shippou, Kohaku and Hakudoushi scrambled out one by one.

"We are the seven dwarves!" Rin smiled widely and placed her hands behind her back.

A drop of perspiration slid down her forehead, "Ano... there are only five of you..."

Before Shippou could interject, Rin answered, "Oh Sesshoumaru-sama says there are only five!"

"The other two were eaten by Naraku," Hakudoushi smirked.

"CUT!"

Sesshoumaru found another bottle of shampoo in Kagome's yellow backpack. "Pantene..."

* * *

Kagome stretched her neck a little; the high collar of her costume was prickly, and she felt as if a million ants were crawling all over her body. _Damn this costume! Pseudomonas can't fucking sew at all! Does she even know that I am bustier than her? D-CUP you know!_

"Ah... so what is your name?" Kagome looked at the incredulous costumes that the 'dwarves' were huddled in and bit her lip in order not to laugh out loud. Why the fuck were there rabbit ears on top of their heads! _Perhaps Parsnip likes rabbits..._ Of course, Rin took the opportunity to introduce everyone, "Rin is Happy! Jaken-sama is Grumpy!"

Shippou stepped lightly on Rin's furry feet and shoved her to the back, "I am Sneezy." _AH-CHOOOO!_

Kohaku lowered his head, "I am... Bashful I think.."

Hakudoushi folded his arms and yawned, "I am Sleepy. See my slit-like eyes."

Perspiration dampened Kagome's bangs as she tried to laugh it off, "Ah ha ha ha! I see I see... so this is your hut!"

"You wench! Of course this is our hut!" Jaken yelled, to which a stone was promptly lodged in the folds of his forehead.

Kagome arched her eyebrows; _Where did Sesshoumaru get those stones in the studio? Did he steal them from the neighbor's garden too?_

"CUT!" Naraku never knew that he could get a headache. He would have to threaten the kids. In the toilet of course.

* * *

Naraku leaned back on his Director's chair, "One, Two, Three!"

"Snow White Princess! Do you want Rin, er, Happy to cook meals for you?" Rin flashed her brilliant, toothy smile.

Kagome patted her head, ignoring the flowers that she had stuck into her messy head and replied, "It's okay! I can cook for you! Grumpy! Get that pan for me. No not that one! The non-stick Teflon one!"

Jaken trotted slowly to her while he blasted some fire from his Nintoujou at the wood that Houjou had chopped from the tree that grew in the neighbor's garden.

"Let me help you!" Shippou sneezed into Kagome's face. Hushed laughter from the crew could be heard.

"Its alright, please give me some food to cook..." Kagome wiped the germs-tainted saliva off her face and thought that perhaps she should switch roles with Kikyou. At least all she had to do was to look pretty in that black dress.

Hakudoushi dropped a beating heart onto Kagome's outstretched pan and smirked, "Food."

Kagome felt a little dizzy at the pulsing deep-red organ, and nauseous too. "This... this is..."

"Naraku's heart," Hakudoushi grinned, while Kohaku's eyes gleamed.

"Hakudoushi you fucking bastard!" Naraku yowled.

Everyone made a lunge for his heart, except for Sesshoumaru who had once again locked himself up in the toilet. A half-full bottle of Pantene shampoo, coated with pristine white bubbles was standing in the sink.

* * *

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who is fairest of us all?" Kikyou asked.

Kanna popped her ghostly head out and whispered hauntingly, "Snow White..."

"But that cannot be! I have already killed her!" Kikyou took a dramatic step back.

Kanna continued, "She is not dead... she is living with five dwarves in Inuyasha's forest..."

Kikyou narrowed her eyes and with a huff, she stormed off-stage.

"The evil step-mother of Snow White decided to devise another way to kill Snow white..." Kaede chanted while Miroku fanned her. The air-conditioning was not working well at all; perhaps Pseudomonas had forgotten to pay her electricity bills.

Kikyou re-appeared, with an apple that was half-red and half-green in her hands, courtesy of Houjou again. She lifted the apple up in her right hand and imagined that she was surrounded by her Shinidama Chuu, "With this apple, I shall kill Kag-, Snow White!"

Kagome snorted derisively while Sango pinched her cheeks, "Don't do that! Now stay still so that I can apply your makeup!"

The undead miko heard that snort and frowned, "I shall transform myself into an old woman!"

Inuyasha fanned hard at the solid carbon dioxide, hoping to get more fog to cover the stage while the actors swapped roles.

"Ah! The transformation is not good but... I think Snow White will believe me," Miroku gave his innocent smile and looked down at his royal purple robes and sash; at least he did not have to change, other than smearing his lips with some of Jakotsu's red lipstick.

Miroku walked around the stage in circles, holding the poisoned apple in his hands until he suddenly remembered, "Hey... shouldn't the Prince meet Kagome first?"

Naraku jumped up, "Oh yes! Where is the Prince?"

Rin replied happily, "Sesshoumaru-sama is washing his hair!"

"AGAIN!" Naraku rolled his eyes.

Sesshoumaru smiled at his reflection in the mirror; his hair was now very pretty and very glossy. He flicked his hair twice and bared his fangs, "Pantene is the **best**!"

* * *

"My turn?" Sesshoumaru tried not to roll his eyes. He was not very keen to work with Kagome, although he doubted that it would be better with Kikyou, or even worse, Kaede. Naraku pushed him out and pushed the sunglasses up on his oily nose, "Ready? One, Two, Three!"

The taiyoukai steadied the bright green beret on his head, inwardly lamenting that he could not show off his pretty silver hair and pulled the leash on Ah-Un, _"To think we have to re-use this beast..."_

Kagome kept her head lowered, pretending that she was picking flowers with Rin while Jaken stood proudly in anticipation for his youkai lord. Shippou and Kohaku wandered around at the back of the stage while Hakudoushi slept peacefully in his barrier.

"Snow White," Sesshoumaru unleashed a string of his youki and melted the flowers into a pool of green slime.

Kagome glared up at him, "You!"

The taiyoukai hopped down from Ah-Un and placed his mouth near her ear, "Wench, remember that we are supposed to fall in love."

The miko gritted her teeth and let out a sickening-sweet smile at him, "Who are you may I ask? You have just destroyed the flowers that Rin stole in a second! WOW!"

The taiyoukai did not miss the sarcasm and replied coolly, "I am the Prince from the Western Lands."

Kagome stood up while Rin latched on to Sesshoumaru's leg, "I see! And I am Snow White the fairest from... Tokyo!"

"Tokyo?" Sesshoumaru quirked his eyebrow.

"Yes! It is a place that Princes like you would have never heard before!" Kagome smiled with her eyes closed.

"Hmmm, I need to go. Page me if you need my help," Sesshoumaru turned around and made sure that his beautiful hair slapped across her face. Kagome froze; that scent was oddly familiar.

"You spineless dog! So it was you who stole my Pantene Shampoo!"

Sesshoumaru continued ahead as if nothing had happened, "Do you have the accompanying conditioner by the way?"

* * *

Kaede rubbed her temples, "The evil Queen went to the forest, in search for Snow White since the Mirror had revealed to her that the Princess was currently staying with five odd dwarves. Miroku smiled to himself and knocked on the wooden door, "Is there anyone in here?"

Kagome opened the door and bowed to the monk, "You are..."

The monk licked his chapped, lipstick-ed lips and continued, "I am an old wandering woman selling my apples."

Kagome coughed, in order to hide her laughter and replied solemnly, "Oh I would love to buy apples from you sir, er, lady! They look very delicious, but I have no money."

Miroku laughed softly and held a surprised Kagome's hands in his, "It's alright! The apples will be my gift to you as long as you are willing to bear my child!"

"HOUSHI-SAMA!" Sango roared and before anyone knew it, her bone boomerang knocked Miroku off a perspiring Kagome while both Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha dashed to the miko, each clasping one of her hands.

"You are mine Kagome!" Inuyasha frowned.

"Hanyou, she belongs to me. I am the Prince, not you," Sesshoumaru replied dryly.

"I knew it..." Miroku tried to count the stars and the birds that were now circulating his head.

"Let's fight then!" Inuyasha unsheathed Tessaiga while Sesshoumaru took out Toukijin.

"Hora hora! The two inu-brothers fighting! Place your bets with me on who will win!" Shippou waved his hands. "Sesshoumaru-sama of course!" Jaken, Rin, Hakudoushi and Kouga gave their dollar notes to Shippou, while Kohaku, Sango, Kagura and Kikyou betted on Inuyasha.

Naraku wanted to cry, "Why did no one _**bet**_ on me!"

Kagome fainted; Houjou dragged her to the backstage while Kaede tried to tickle her face with Sesshoumaru's furry pelt.

* * *

Naraku clapped his hands, "Alright people! We are nearing the end, please do your best! And for goodness' sake Inuyasha, stop shaking your leg!"

The inu-hanyou scowled and adjusted the video camera on his shoulder, "Hurry up you bunch of idiots!"

"One, Two, Three!"

Kagome took a gentle bite into the fuji apple, closed her eyes and fell backwards, "Oh! I am poisoned, I am dying! Ahhh!"

Miroku opened his mouth and pretended to laugh out loud, while Naraku spoke for him, "KUKUKUKUKU! I have achieved my aim! Snow White is now dead!"

Rin ran out from her hiding place and kicked hard at Miroku's crotch, "You evil man! You poisoned our Princess!"

The monk gave a strangled shriek as he cupped his balls and hopped to the backstage; he had never known that Rin would take it so seriously.

"What should we do!" Shippou asked frantically.

"Bury her of course; she's dead," Hakudoushi yawned.

"She's not supposed to be dead yet..." Kohaku mumbled.

"Idiots!" Jaken swung Nintoujou at Kohaku who promptly ducked it.

"Ano... shall we make a flower wreath for her?" Rin asked innocently.

"She has to sleep in a glass coffin," Shippou frowned.

"And where are we supposed to get it?" Jaken grumbled.

"Steal from the neighbors? There was a funeral wake in their house yesterday..." Kohaku added helpfully.

"But its not glass!" Shippou cried.

"We can buy it," Kohaku smiled.

"We have no money!" Jaken shouted.

"We can blackmail Naraku with this," Hakudoushi took out the pulsing organ from his bunny-costume.

"FUCK YOU HAKUDOUSHI!" Inuyasha and Kagura swiftly went up to restrain the howling Naraku.

Shippou let out a mischievous grin, "Aa, that is a good idea."

* * *

Naraku stared at his empty wallet, and thought that if his heart was with him, it would be bleeding profusely now.

Kagome lay inside the glass coffin that was custom made for her; short enough for her petite size and wide enough because she had D-cupped breasts that Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha could not withhold from licking, sucking, and caressing. It was lined with Sesshoumaru's pelt and even though it was very soft, it felt extremely warm and ticklish.

"Snow White's face is as pale as the first snow as she lay within the glass coffin peacefully. The Prince of the Western Lands happened to chance by and when he saw Snow White's corpse, he wept."

Sesshoumaru squeezed the Eye-Mo out from his eyes and looked coldly at Kagome's serene, white-painted face, "She is dead."

Rin looked up and smiled, "Yes Kagome-"

_Cough cough._

"Snow White is dead!" Rin finished her sentence and went back to bawl her eyes out for Kagome.

"How did she die?" Sesshoumaru allowed his eyes to rest on her ample chest. _"Pretty big for her size..."_

Shippou chewed on the wasabi in his mouth and teared further, "She... She was poisoned by her evil step-mother!"

Jaken continued, "With an apple... duh."

Kohaku swallowed the wasabi and sniffled, "Ano... She's not dead yet.. there's.. there's..."

Hakudoushi rolled his eyes, "There's a piece of apple stuck at the back of her throat, supposedly."

Sesshoumaru arched his delicate, newly plucked eyebrows up, "And?"

"Sesshoumaru-sama is supposed to kiss her!" Rin squealed. Jaken pinched Rin's underarms, who swiftly cried out loud again.

"Please kiss her, before we die from heat-stroke in these bunny costumes..." Hakudoushi sweated.

The taiyoukai pursed his lips; he had slapped on some strawberry-flavored (because that is Pseudomonas' favourite!) for this scene. He lowered his head down to the coffin.

**WHAM! **

Everyone gasped, except for Inuyasha who was howling out loud with laughter. Sesshoumaru touched his broken nose and wiped off the blood that dribbled out from his nostrils; he had forgotten to remove the glass cover and sent a death glare to Inuyasha, who was currently muffled with Kagome's panties by Miroku and Sango.

The taiyoukai tore off the glass cover with one hand, and Naraku could hear the shattering of his porcelain heart into a thousand pieces. Sesshoumaru then rammed his face hard against Kagome, ignoring her muffled protests and gave her mind-blowing, earth-smattering, heaven-splitting, arousal-inducing and hot, passionate, long, sensual, erotic, provocative KISS!

**MUACCCKKK!**

Kikyou wanted to vomit. Sango clasped her hands dreamily. Kaede closed her good eye. Rin blushed.

When both tore their mouths away from each other, there was a sexy blush on their faces. Sesshoumaru stood up straight and stretched out his right arm, to which Kagome blushed again (you know, they have to blush like 100 times before they can have sex!) and took it.

"I have dissolved that poisoned apple with my superior youkai saliva; she is revived."

Kagome felt a wave of nausea riding up her chest upon his gross statement; she turned around and emptied her stomach on Jaken's bunny-head. Inuyasha and Kouga growled, but of course our Sesshoumaru-sama ignored all these and spun Kagome around, with her saliva and vomit trailing over the 'dwarves' heads and looked into her sometimes cerulean, sometimes black, sometimes deep-brown eyes.

"We will mate tonight. I will bite into your neck like some demented rabid-inflicted dog, and you shall succumb to me like a mindless weakling who can think of nothing other than my super long and thick dick. And the hot raunchy sex that will shake Japan as never before."

Naraku let out a breath of relief and yelled, "Pseudomonas! Where is my Shikon no TAMA!"

**T H E E N D **

"Now, will you give me that Pantene conditioner?" Sesshoumaru winked.

"Well as long as you deliver like last night..." Kagome cooed.

* * *

Brought to you by Flea #2 or Pseudomonas. (Yes, her jokes are _oh-so_ lame) 


End file.
